Bad Santa
by MandyLeigh87
Summary: I was an elf, one of the lowest of the low. I would have been more content if I actually worked at the North Pole, but no. No. I worked at another place. Synonymous with Hell. I worked at the mall. B/E Holiday One Shot


**Happy Holidays from me to you! Here is a holiday one shot as a Season's Greetings to my readers : ) Whether you celebrate any type of holiday this season or not, I hope you get to spend some time with family, friends and good food. **

**I wrote this entire thing in one day. It is not to be taken seriously. To be completely honest, it's borderline ridiculous, but I had fun writing it. It has not been beta'd so please forgive any mistakes. I just wanted to give you guys something fun for the season. Thanks so much! XOXO**

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><p>The holiday season is the time to spend with family, watch your favorite holiday movies and drink too much eggnog with your friends. Most people find it to be an enjoyable experience, the people who don't know the truth. In reality it's a mangled mess of screaming children, angry, impatient parents, long hours and fucking annoying attire.<p>

I looked over at Emmett and see him wiggling around uncomfortably, prancing from foot to foot as he attempted to finagle the candy cane forest into existence.

"Hey, Em?" I called. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." He reaches around and claws at his tights. "This stupid costume is just riding up my ass again!"

I sighed and adjusted my horrendous hat on my head. I was an elf, one of the lowest of the low. I would have been more content if I actually worked at the North Pole, but no. No. I worked at another place. Synonymous with Hell. I worked at the mall.

I wasn't particularly proud of this job, but I needed money. I was a sophomore at the local community college saving up for my own place. It was slow going, to say the least.

"Did you hear they're getting a new Santa?" He asked.

"What happened to Old Joe?"

"Old Joe was old." He made the sign of the cross and I gasped.

"I'm sure Tanya will be really disappointed." I laughed under my breath. Tanya played Mrs. Claus. Old Joe used to hit on her all the time and she indulged the attention. She reminded me of those Real Housewives, except she wasn't married.

"Those candy canes are not straight Elf 2!" Alice, head elf, stomped onto the scene and surveyed our work. She had a problem remembering our names so she gave us numbers instead.

All of the basic structure had been put up for us, but we had to do a few decorations each morning before we opened. Since this was the first day of Santa's visit, we assumed we were going to be really busy. The little bastards ate this shit up. I personally avoided Mall Santas when I was younger. They always reminded me of my Uncle Frank and I had to sit on his lap once a year at family reunions. He smelled like rotted onions and musty books. Once was more than enough.

"I'm Elf 3, Alice!" Emmett yelled, straightening out the candy canes to her liking.

"Elf 1!" Alice screamed.

"Yes, Chief," I sighed.

"Head in the back and grab the red ribbons. Lots of ribbons!" She spread her arms out, demonstrating where she wanted her ribbon vomit. I wanted to vomit for real. This was fucking bullshit.

I nodded and shuffled across the floor, heading from our central location to the door marked for employees only. A few freshman boys pointed and snickered at me as I passed. I made a mental note to make their life a living hell at school on Monday. Payback's a bitch, losers.

I found my way back to the storage room and started stuffing my arms with red ribbons. I rolled my eyes and sighed in disgust when "It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas" came over the speakers for the fiftieth time today.

"If I hear this song one more fucking time…" I mumbled to myself.

"That doesn't sound like appropriate Elf language…" a voice said.

I spun around and screamed, dropping the ribbons everywhere.

"Santa…" I blushed, feeling like I'd been caught with my hand in the cookie jar. This was the big guy, the old jolly one in charge. Except he wasn't so big. And he wasn't so old. I couldn't really tell behind his mound of fake beard, but he looked young. Maybe just a few years older than me.

"Don't worry, your secret is safe with me Elf…" He looked down at my Alice-crafted nametag. "Number 1?" He cocked his head to the side. "I don't think I've ever met anyone named Number 1. Very unique. Were your parents hippies?"

I laughed and held out my hand. "I'm Bella."

"Santa." He shook my hand and nodded. "Nice to meet you."

"That's not your real name."

"It's all about the illusion, Bella." He held up a finger as he walked away. "Can't break character."

"Okay." I laughed. "Well, I guess I'll see you out there…Santa."

He bowed and spun around as he started out into the mall.

I restocked my arms with ribbons and followed quickly after him.

Alice kept me busy from the moment I arrived back at our station. I was already exhausted before we even officially opened. The kids were lined up all the way back to Bed, Bath and Beyond, jumping up and down and screaming for Santa.

"Hello everyone!" Tanya, aka Mrs. Claus, tapped on the microphone and smiled. I crossed my arms and stood next to Emmett, tapping my little bell-tipped Elf shoes in annoyance.

"Welcome to The North Pole," she chimed. "My name is Mrs. Claus and I'm so happy you're here." She clapped her hands together. "Santa is almost here and he's so excited to see all of you and hear what you want for Christmas! Are we all ready?" She laughed. The place erupted in cheering. "Good." She cupped her hands around her mouth and leaned away from the microphone. "Santa!" She called. "Oh Santa!"

"Ho, ho, ho!" Santa stepped out from behind his throne, holding his non-existent belly. Tanya winked and stepped down, taking her place at the photo booth. I giggled to myself, imagining that he was speaking directly to her. Santa looked my way and waved before he sat down and waited for his first visitor. I couldn't help but notice his ass in those velvety red pants. Definitely not the same that I was used to with Old Joe. Not that I ever intentionally stared at that guy's ass. I'd call it more of a horrendous accidental eyeshot. This was the complete opposite. Hard. Firm. This guy had a badonk that quickly moved to the top of my Christmas list.

"Elf 1, you're up," Alice snapped. I sighed and took my place at the front of the line. It was my job as Elf 1 to lead the kids from the line to Santa.

"Hey, lady!" Something tugged at my elf skirt. I turned around to find a little boy with an incomplete grin.

"Hi, kid." I bent down. "What's up?"

"Sometimes I pee in my underwear and don't tell anyone!" He giggled.

"That's great kid, you're up." I patted his back and led him through the winding fake snow path to Santa.

"Elf," Santa nodded.

"Santa." I couldn't help but smile.

Santa leaned down and pulled the little boy onto his knee. "Hello there. What's your name?"

"Tucker," the little boy answered.

"Hello, Tucker. What would you like for Christmas?"

"I want a Nerf football, a new bike, a goldfish…"

I zoned out after that, watching Santa's face as he stared at this annoying kid. I tried to see through his get-up. I caught glimpses of his tanned, seemingly smooth skin. I could tell from his eyebrows that his hair must have been a light brown. But what completely captivated me were his eyes. They were the same green as this horrendous elf costume I was wearing. It looked a lot better on him.

I herded another fifty kids through before we closed down for the night. Emmett took down his candy cane forest as Alice closed down the booth and took our cash to the main office.

"Bells, we're all heading out to the bar for a few drinks. You coming?" Emmett asked.

"Who's we?"

"Tanya, Jane, Maggie, Alice…" He started.

I groaned.

"And new Santa, I don't remember his name…" He finished.

"Really?" I squeaked. "I mean…." I cleared my throat. "I could probably make an appearance."

"O'Malley's at 9?" Emmett nodded and took the last of the supplies back into storage. I followed shortly after and clocked out before heading home. I was a little nervous about Santa being there…or whatever his real name was. I think I had a crush on him. Just a little. Or maybe it was just the mystery of who was behind the beard.

I'd been so caught up with my thoughts that I'd forgotten to take my elf hat off on the drive home. I was met with three honks and one person who flipped me the bird before they drove off laughing. I hated my job.

When I got home, I took a quick shower and got dressed. I headed to the bar and went inside, immediately spotting Emmett's towering frame over the crowd.

The bar was overly crowded. There were lights, garland and bows everywhere and of course Christmas music playing. I just couldn't escape it.

"Hey, Bella!" Emmett said. I waved to our table and was instantly disappointed that Santa was nowhere to be found. It was just Emmett and a bunch of women. I didn't want to be too forward, so I left the table to go grab a drink.

I pushed my way through the crowd and tried to get the bartender's attention. She was completely ignoring me. I sighed and rested my elbows on the bar as I waited.

A man stepped beside me and cleared his throat. I could tell he was looking at me, but I was too pissed to give him the attention. "Santa Baby" started playing through the bar and out of the corner of my eye, I saw him turn towards me.

"Quite appropriate huh, Number 1?" He asked.

I turned towards him and cocked my eyebrow. There was a tall, young man standing beside me. His skin was slightly bronzed, jaw strong and prominent. I was fairly sure I'd never seen him before until I reached his eyes. They were green.

"Santa?"

"Edward." He smiled.

"Nice to finally meet you, Edward." I blushed and leaned against the bar.

"Can I get you a drink?" He asked.

"You can try." I shrugged as he turned towards the bar. He held out his hand and the bartender came right over. Bitch.

"What can I get you?" She asked.

"I'll take a beer and…" He turned towards me.

"Beer is fine."

"Make that two beers."

"Coming right up," she said, a little less enthusiastic. She set two beers on the bar and Edward gave her some cash.

"I can pay…" I started, handing him my money.

"No need. Merry Christmas." He smiled and handed me my beer.

"Thank you."

I turned around and led him back towards our table. He kept his hand on the small of my back, just barely touching me enough to keep us together through the people.

As soon as we got to our table, Tanya was all over Edward like she had some type of claim to him because she was Mrs. Claus. He seemed to be brushing her off for the most part without being rude, but she didn't seem to take the hint very well.

She left for a bathroom break while the others went up to the bar for a new round of drinks, leaving Edward and I alone.

"So Emmett mentioned that you were going to college?" Edward asked, scooting a little closer to me.

"You two were talking about me?"

"I might have asked him about you." He brought his beer up to his lips to hide his smirk as he watched me.

"Why's that?"

"You struck my interest, Elf Number 1." He laughed and leaned back, stretching his arm over the back of my chair.

I blinked a few times and tried to form a coherent sentence. "Uh…yeah. College. Studying anatomy."

"That's interesting. Why'd you pick that major?" He asked.

"I'm really fascinated with the human body," I blurted out. He raised his eyebrows and I realized how bad that sounded. "I mean…"

"I know what you mean. My dad's a doctor." He smiled, calming my nerves a little. "I just graduated from State. Following in his footsteps, off to medical school next year."

It didn't really make sense. I assumed since his dad was a doctor they weren't hurting for money. Why the hell would he take a job as a Mall Santa?

"So, why'd you take the job?" I asked.

He shrugged. "I love kids. Going into pediatric oncology. Nothing's better than seeing a kid excited about something, especially when I'm going to be seeing a lot of sad kids on a daily basis."

"Wow," I whispered. I took the job because I'm getting sick of my dad's cooking. He did it just because he wanted to make kids happy. Raise your hand if you're an asshole.

"Pretty corny, huh?" He asked.

"No." I shook my head. "Not at all. It's amazing." I smiled and elbowed his ribs lightly. "You are an extraordinary human being, Edward."

Everyone arrived back at the table. Instead of going back to his original spot, Edward stayed by my side and silently forced everyone else to rearrange.

Tanya started giving me the stink eye even though Edward and I weren't even talking. Not really. I couldn't keep my eyes off the man, but I didn't say a word to him. He spoke animatedly with Emmett about the latest sports' game. He kept moving his hand ever so slightly until it was brushing against my shoulder. I shivered and let out a nervous laugh to myself.

Edward ordered us another round of beer, but I stopped myself after that so I didn't have to take a cab home.

Everyone eventually decided it was late and started migrating towards the door. Tanya was standing obnoxiously underneath mistletoe that was hanging over the door, looking over at Edward as he made his way towards it. I rolled my eyes.

He didn't even notice her, which pissed her off to no end. She crossed her arms and stormed out when we were taking too long.

Edward started talking to Alice, so I decided to slip out and head home. I waved a quick goodbye to Emmett and started towards the door, not wanting to interrupt their conversation.

I shrugged my coat on along the way and pushed against the heavy door, preparing myself for the bitter cold outside. Someone grabbed my arm from behind and spun me slowly back around.

"You're leaving?" Edward asked.

"Yeah. I should probably get home."

"I just uh….um…." He cleared his throat and looked up at the mistletoe hanging above our heads.

"Do it…." Emmett called softly from across the bar. "Do it!" He screamed. "Do it, do it, do it!" He started chanting and pretty soon the whole bar had joined him. I felt like I was going to pass out.

"Um…" I stuttered.

He smiled and pushed a strand of hair away from my face. I held my breath as he leaned in and pressed his lips to mine. I couldn't believe it. Screw seeing Mommy kissing Santa Claus. I was kissing Santa Claus.

I expected a quick peck, but he lingered a lot longer than I thought he would. A lot. Used a lot more tongue, performed a lot more groping. It was all just…a lot.

When he pulled away, my lips quivered, already missing his. My eyes fluttered open and immediately found his staring back at me.

"Do you need a ride?" I whispered.

"Sure."

I grabbed his hand and we walked out of the bar to a chorus of cheers. Edward and I hurried to my car, almost a little too quickly.

We were silent as I pulled out of the parking lot and started down the street. I suddenly realized I didn't know where he lived.

"I don't need to go home, quite yet…maybe…" He bit his lip and kept his eyes forward.

I forced myself to breathe by counting repeatedly to four as I drove to my place.

I parked the car and met him on the sidewalk. I pulled out my keys and opened up my apartment, allowing him to walk inside first.

I flipped on some lights as I took off my coat and slung it over a chair. "Do you want a drink…or coffee or something?"

"A drink would be great. Anything." He sat down on my couch and rested his head against his hand.

I disappeared into the kitchen for a few moments and grabbed us both another beer.

I handed it to him before I took a trip around the room, turning on the few Christmas decorations I had out. Edward watched me the whole way, sipping on his drink.

When I was finished, I went to go sit down on my chair, but he interrupted me.

"Ahem," he grumbled.

I turned to find him patting his knee. I smiled and tucked my hair behind my ear as I contemplated. He cocked his eyebrow and patted it again.

"Okay." I lowered myself onto his knee. He wrapped his arm around my waist and leaned in close.

"What do you want for Christmas?" He whispered.

"What do you want?"

"I asked you first." He leaned in and brushed his lips over my neck. "What do you want, Bella?" His hand snaked down from my hip to my center. My jaw fell slack as he pressed against it, forcing his thumb against the seam. "Do you want me?"

"Yes," I breathed. He grabbed my chin and pulled me towards him.

He kissed me as his hands went back to my hips. He spun me around to face him, planting my legs on either side of his waist.

My hips moved against him as his tongue slipped between my lips. His hands were exploring my body, setting everything on fire with his touch. He slipped underneath my shirt and felt his way up to my bra before continuing to pull it up over my head. I raised my arms to help and momentarily pulled away.

"Ever since I saw you, I wanted to touch you here…" He brushed his lips over my breasts. "And here…" He palmed my ass. "God, I wanted you."

"And now you can have me…" I sat back and stood up so I could pull my jeans and underwear off. He unbuckled his and I yanked at his ankles. His clothes joined mine on the floor and I licked my lips seeing him naked in front of me. I had a feeling Edward was about to deck my halls. Hard.

"Have you been a good girl this year?" He asked, reaching out for me.

"No," I answered, crawling over him and settling just above his hips. I could feel his length brush against and I rolled my hips to meet it. "I'm not a good girl."

"Good," he breathed. He moaned as his head fell back against the couch. I took the opportunity to reach between us and sink down onto him. "Fuck, Bella," he hissed.

I leaned down and nipped at his neck as I started to ride him, rolling my hips hard against his. As much as I genuinely liked him, I didn't want this to be some kind of teenage, tender first time. I wanted it hard. Fast. Rough. It wasn't like me. Not at all. But Edward made me want it. I wanted him that way.

"Baby," he purred. He reached up and tore my bra straps down my arms. They slapped against my skin as I moved up and down. His hand slipped inside the cup as he leaned forward to run his tongue down the middle of my chest. I rested my arms on his shoulders for support before lifting my hips off his. I stuck out my lip, pouting as I waited for him to take over.

He bit down on his lip as he pushed himself up, thrusting into me like he was in a fucking frenzy. He reached behind me and grabbed onto the ends of my hair. He pulled it back, forcing my head to do the same and exposing my neck.

He stopped for a moment and grabbed my leg, flipping it over to the other side before forcing me onto my knees. He knelt behind me as I looked over my shoulder and waited impatiently.

He laughed through his labored breaths and put his hands on my back as he slid into me again. I grabbed one of my pillows and forced my forehead down into it as he pounded me. I pushed forward and bit down on the fabric to keep myself from screaming too loud. I didn't want to scare my neighbors. I was fairly sure they'd never heard these sounds coming from my apartment before.

"I'm almost there…." Edward mumbled. He reached around my body and worked his fingers just above where our bodies connected. My arms gave out as a shock of pleasure shot through my entire body. He continued to touch me as he picked up his own pace. I melted into jelly as I tried to catch my breath and hold onto the tremendous high I was feeling right now.

"Fuck!" He yelled, collapsing onto my back as he pushed inside me twice more. He kissed my skin as he lingered inside me, riding it out.

I looked over my shoulder at him as he pulled out and turned my body around to face him. "That was…" I trailed off.

"Amazing. You're so beautiful." He kissed me, panting and out of breath.

His body was warm against mine. I found myself wrapping my legs around him, pulling him closer just to feel him.

That's exactly how I fell asleep. Naked and completely tangled up with him on my couch. When I woke up the next morning, I was covered with a blanket and there was a pot of coffee waiting for me. But no Edward.

I grabbed my phone to see what time it was and noticed I had three voicemail from an unknown number. I punched in my code and waited to see who it was.

"Hey, it's Edward. I got your number from your phone; I hope that's okay. I had to go to a family brunch with my parents, but I'll see you at work later. Bye."

Smile. Delete. Next.

"P.S. I got you a doughnut. It's in a bag on your counter."

Giggle. Delete. Next.

"P.S.S. Last night was amazing. I can't wait to see you again."

Butterflies. Definitely not deleting. Hang up.

I got up, ate my delicious doughnut and took a shower. As I put on my elf costume, I started to feel a little resentment that I wasn't Mrs. Claus. I mean I should be Mrs. Claus, especially after one night. I know I'm just a little elf and he's…well he's Santa Claus, but I deserve it much more than Tanya. Right?

I drove to work and found Emmett in the back racking up his candy canes again. He smirked at me when I walked in and wouldn't stop staring at me.

"What?" I asked.

"So…" He mused.

"So…"

"What happened last night?" He asked.

"That's…none of your business."

"That's not fair Bells, you have to tell me."

"I don't have to tell you anything." I crossed my arms.

"If you got laid, it's totally because of me. I invited him out and dared him to kiss you."

"You did not dare him!" I screamed.

"Did too! What the hell did you think I was chanting about?" He took a step towards me. "Please tell me. Please, please…."

"Fine! I fucked Santa! Are you happy?" I shrieked.

"Yes!" He held out his hand for a high five.

"You what?" Alice snapped from behind me.

"Shit," I whispered. I didn't know she was here.

"Number 1, this is not appropriate Elf behavior. What would Mrs. Claus think?" She asked.

"Mrs. Claus is a bitch," I said.

Alice gasped. I smiled and stepped over to her. "Put some Christmas cheer on that face." I patted her shoulder and continued out into the mall.

I didn't see Edward until he was about to step out in his Santa suit. I snuck behind the throne and stole a quick kiss before we started work.

We had just as many kids as yesterday, but I wasn't too upset about it. I was actually in a good mood. Maybe this Christmas thing wasn't so bad after all.

I led one of the kids up to his throne and winked at him as I helped the little girl onto his lap.

"Hi Sweetie," Edward said.

"Hi Santa," the little girl said. "I has a question."

"Okay."

"If you're married to Mrs. Claus, why were you kissing an elf?" She looked towards me and I turned completely red.

There was a loud collective gasp from all of the children waiting in line and suddenly everything went silent. Alice was gaping at us both and I could tell by the way she was clenching and unclenching her hand that we were in trouble.

"Santa's got to take a time out kids," she said, quickly putting the closed sign up. Everyone started screaming and crying. The parents were cursing us out as Alice led Edward and I back into our employee room, leaving Emmett and Tanya out with the crowd.

"You're both fired!" She said, her eye twitching. "You just ruined those kids Christmas. This is just…just….scandalous!"

"You think we'll end up on the cover of the National Enquirer?" Edward asked, trying to hold in a laugh.

"Probably!" Alice squealed, pointing her finger at us.

"Yes!" Edward hissed in celebration. "I hope our picture is next to an alien baby!"

"Or maybe the Elvis ghost?" I added.

Alice glared at both of us before storming out.

We packed up our things and got out of those terrible, uncomfortable costumes. Edward grabbed my hand as we left. The crowd was still rioting. Emmett looked terrified standing in his candy cane forest, using one as a shield. I waved at him and kept walking.

"I'm sorry I got you fired…" I leaned into Edward's side as we ambled through the mall towards my car.

"It's okay." He shrugged. "I think I still came out on top." He kissed my cheek as we walked out into the cold. "Besides, April's coming up soon. I heard there was an opening for the Easter Bunny."


End file.
